I'd like all you readers to imagine for a moment if you please that you get a phone call…
That goes something like this:
*Phone ring*
Me: Hello?
Boss: Yea, Hello Liz
Me: Hello [Boss], What's up?
Boss: I was just calling to see if you would be interested in working
Me: I got your e-mail about the reschedule for yesterday
Boss: You got that? Good...
Me: I'll e-mail you back later
Boss: I was just calling to see if you would be interested in working crew for a show
Me: Sure, what time?
Boss: I... uh.. I don't know
Me: What day?
Boss: I'm not sure...
Me: What's the name of the show?
Boss: I don't know
Me: What will I be doing?
Boss: Well.. I'm just trying to find some people for someone who is looking for crew for his show at Essex...
Me: Who?
Boss: You'll get around 200 dollars for doing it
Me: What will I be doing again?
Boss: I don't know.. I mean I know what I'm doing for one of the shows but I don't know what they need you for
Me: So you want me to work a show that you don't know the name of to do something you don't know about for 200 dollars for someone you don't really know at an undetermined time?
Boss: I have his e-mail.. he e-mailed me asking for help
Me: Well send me his e-mail so I can get in touch with him
Boss: Okay. I'll talk to you later
*click*
Me: I HATE you.
To be fair tho.. this is a typical correspondance with Our Boss.
Boss: Hey Liz can you work this week? Monday through Sunday
Me: What time?
Boss: uh.. I'm not sure.. I think you need to be there at 8 am, until 9 pm
Me: What will I be doing?
Boss: I.. uh, I'm not sure
Me: Am I just sitting in the booth baby sitting someone using the stage? Usual turn on the lights and set up and stay out of the way unless I'm needed?
Boss: That sounds about right.
Me: I can do that.
Boss: Okay thanks, bye.
*click*
Me: I HATE YOU
But when I show up, I'm actually required to sit through a dance show rehearsal all week and then, unbeknownst to me, run both the light board and sound board by myself as well as put light cues in. This is NOT baby sitting the usage of the stage.
Somewhere in the communication between the people using the stage and Bill these fanciful stories get told about his Techs who can run both Light board and Sound board at the same time as well as run the curtain. His Techs who can magically fix any light to be exactly what the customer wants. his Magical techs who will set up whatever the customer needs even if it;'s not our job.
Then we show up after he has told us that all we need to do is set up for this event and in actuality the event is poorly organized and being changed at the last second and we must scramble to fix it all with no thanks but instead a really nasty stage manager who has no clue how to do cue calls.
The customers tell us that Bill told them they would get kicker speakers. Bill tells us that they never asked for kicker speakers.
The customers tell us that Bill told them we would fulfill all their Lighting needs.
Nate noticed in the e-mail to us Bill said that they didn't pay for any special lighting changes.
I could sit here and go on ALL night. But I won't I'm done complaining. I want to go watch Tosh.0
Yours Angrily
_Liz
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
We're All Sick! We're Staying Home!
Dear Boss,
I know sometimes you're thinking to yourself. How odd is it that all my workers are sick at the exact same time…
Well I'll be honest with you, they aren't all sick. They just got together and collectively agreed that none of them wanted to actually be at work that day. Not only did none of them individually want to come into work. Also none of them wanted to be at work without any of the others to account as a buffer between them and you. So NONE of us came into work today.
I'd apologize to you if I were sorry. At least I have insomnia to hide behind. It's really hard to expect me to haul lights up and down a 40 step spiral staircase when I haven;t slept in 2 days. I was being honest when I said I ached all over and strenuous physical activity was just beyond me at the time.
I can't speak for my fellow blogger. I think he just hates you. Well so do I. You're an incompetent. I also hate that you've been getting work on the side doing things that you obviously do poorly for our theatre it blows my mind that anyone could think that you would do it well elsewhere.
The level of your incompetency astonished and shocks even me sometimes. The amount of danger you bring to a workplace that we have worked very hard to have none in also blows my mind. I can say with great displeasure that this has been the worst job I have ever had to hold on to.
This isn't a letter of resignation. Just complaint.
_Liz
I know sometimes you're thinking to yourself. How odd is it that all my workers are sick at the exact same time…
Well I'll be honest with you, they aren't all sick. They just got together and collectively agreed that none of them wanted to actually be at work that day. Not only did none of them individually want to come into work. Also none of them wanted to be at work without any of the others to account as a buffer between them and you. So NONE of us came into work today.
I'd apologize to you if I were sorry. At least I have insomnia to hide behind. It's really hard to expect me to haul lights up and down a 40 step spiral staircase when I haven;t slept in 2 days. I was being honest when I said I ached all over and strenuous physical activity was just beyond me at the time.
I can't speak for my fellow blogger. I think he just hates you. Well so do I. You're an incompetent. I also hate that you've been getting work on the side doing things that you obviously do poorly for our theatre it blows my mind that anyone could think that you would do it well elsewhere.
The level of your incompetency astonished and shocks even me sometimes. The amount of danger you bring to a workplace that we have worked very hard to have none in also blows my mind. I can say with great displeasure that this has been the worst job I have ever had to hold on to.
This isn't a letter of resignation. Just complaint.
_Liz
Saturday, June 20, 2009
The dictionary according to Nate
Disclaimer: Please note that this post may be incredibly offensive and should not be read if you can't take a joke, or if you can, cause I was being totally serious when I wrote this. Also contains personal shots at individuals. You have been warned.
Audition Slippers - n. Kneepads. Used to imply that some actors are so horrible that they had to have spent more time on their knees than on the stage during the audition. Example: "She's so horrible on that stage. Did she spend alot of time with the director wearing audition slippers?"
B.I.L.L. - n. Acronym for Boss Is a Lazy Lummox. Almost always used as an insult. Example: If you put those speakers up there, you'll look like such a bill. Don't be a bill.
CCBC - n. A place where almost everything is half-assed by the administration and "higher-ups" and where hopes and dreams go to die. Also known as "Cost Comes Before Convenience", "The Hellhole" and "That Place". Example: John: "The lights here suck." Nathan: "Welcome to CCBC!"
Dance Express - n. Used to express something gross or unpleasant. Example: If you need me I'll be sitting on the toilet taking a massive dance express.
Jesus Wrench - n. Altman lighting wrenches. Called such because of it's cross shape and rumored mystical powers to keep evil spirits such as actors away.
Kwaliteee - n. The way that "quality" is apparently spelled at CCBC, cause they sure as hell don't know what the one spelt with a "Q" means! See CCBC.
Masters in Acting - n. A degree that DOES NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT qualify one to work as a technical director, but is not apparently a problem at CCBC. See CCBC. Example: My boss is in no way qualified for his job BECAUSE HE HAS A FREAKING MASTERS IN ACTING!!!
OSHA - n. Occupational Safety and Health Administration. A name tossed about when you actually want something done. Has the odd ability of getting you fired if not used properly. Example: Employee: "Do it or we'll call OSHA". Boss: "Call OSHA and you're fired!"
Techie - n. Term thrown around in performing arts to refer to anyone with little to no technical knowledge and black clothing. Due to it's blatant misuse and new found association with "imitation technicians who don't know what they are doing" is now considered to be derogatory by some. Is also an incredibly stupid sounding word to start with. Example: "Look at me, I'm a Techie! Watch me FAIL at using a screw driver!"
Trifles - n. Something we just don't talk about. Example: I hope this isn't going to be another Trifles!
::Nate::
Audition Slippers - n. Kneepads. Used to imply that some actors are so horrible that they had to have spent more time on their knees than on the stage during the audition. Example: "She's so horrible on that stage. Did she spend alot of time with the director wearing audition slippers?"
B.I.L.L. - n. Acronym for Boss Is a Lazy Lummox. Almost always used as an insult. Example: If you put those speakers up there, you'll look like such a bill. Don't be a bill.
CCBC - n. A place where almost everything is half-assed by the administration and "higher-ups" and where hopes and dreams go to die. Also known as "Cost Comes Before Convenience", "The Hellhole" and "That Place". Example: John: "The lights here suck." Nathan: "Welcome to CCBC!"
Dance Express - n. Used to express something gross or unpleasant. Example: If you need me I'll be sitting on the toilet taking a massive dance express.
Jesus Wrench - n. Altman lighting wrenches. Called such because of it's cross shape and rumored mystical powers to keep evil spirits such as actors away.
Kwaliteee - n. The way that "quality" is apparently spelled at CCBC, cause they sure as hell don't know what the one spelt with a "Q" means! See CCBC.
Masters in Acting - n. A degree that DOES NOT, I repeat, DOES NOT qualify one to work as a technical director, but is not apparently a problem at CCBC. See CCBC. Example: My boss is in no way qualified for his job BECAUSE HE HAS A FREAKING MASTERS IN ACTING!!!
OSHA - n. Occupational Safety and Health Administration. A name tossed about when you actually want something done. Has the odd ability of getting you fired if not used properly. Example: Employee: "Do it or we'll call OSHA". Boss: "Call OSHA and you're fired!"
Techie - n. Term thrown around in performing arts to refer to anyone with little to no technical knowledge and black clothing. Due to it's blatant misuse and new found association with "imitation technicians who don't know what they are doing" is now considered to be derogatory by some. Is also an incredibly stupid sounding word to start with. Example: "Look at me, I'm a Techie! Watch me FAIL at using a screw driver!"
Trifles - n. Something we just don't talk about. Example: I hope this isn't going to be another Trifles!
::Nate::
Friday, June 19, 2009
Everyone Loves a Suprise!
While this saying might be true for the audience there is nothing I hate more than getting a suprise during the show.
Part of the reason we have rehearsals is so that everyone on stage knows what they're doing, and so that everyone back stage knows what they are doing.
There is no point in having light cues that you aren't going to bother using. This could have saved me 2 hours of rehearsal on my Thursday evening. And it also could have made the dances that you had planned to look gorgeous remain so.
Dance recitals and Plays do have one thing in common. It is incredibly inappropriate to shout out someones name when they come on stage. Not at the beginning of the performance, not in the middle and most certainly not at the end. You respectfully wait until after the show to congratulate them on a job well done. Tell me why every single audience for the past FIVE dance recitals thinks it's okay just to bellow out at the dancers.
Last weekend it actually caused such a distraction one of the dancers forgot thier moves and then didn't even both to play it off but instead covered her hands and ran off stage. At this point I had been through too many annoying rehearsals and angry directors telling them how to act and behave to feel any pity for her making an ass out of herself after the audience has made an ass out of itself
I've stopped watching these shows. I just do the light cues when they are called to me.
_Liz
Part of the reason we have rehearsals is so that everyone on stage knows what they're doing, and so that everyone back stage knows what they are doing.
There is no point in having light cues that you aren't going to bother using. This could have saved me 2 hours of rehearsal on my Thursday evening. And it also could have made the dances that you had planned to look gorgeous remain so.
Dance recitals and Plays do have one thing in common. It is incredibly inappropriate to shout out someones name when they come on stage. Not at the beginning of the performance, not in the middle and most certainly not at the end. You respectfully wait until after the show to congratulate them on a job well done. Tell me why every single audience for the past FIVE dance recitals thinks it's okay just to bellow out at the dancers.
Last weekend it actually caused such a distraction one of the dancers forgot thier moves and then didn't even both to play it off but instead covered her hands and ran off stage. At this point I had been through too many annoying rehearsals and angry directors telling them how to act and behave to feel any pity for her making an ass out of herself after the audience has made an ass out of itself
I've stopped watching these shows. I just do the light cues when they are called to me.
_Liz
Organization
The easiest way to get pliable and friendly and helpful tech staff is to be properly organized. If you come to a show with Tech Sheets for every scene or dance in your show with specific instructions for the lights and the sound then Tech will really appreciate it and even if they don't want to be there they will remain friendly to your face and more importantly behind your back. If you don't come running to them every fifteen minutes demanding or asking that they scramble to bring you some obscure request that doesn't even properly fall under their jurisdiction the chances that they will help you [ even if they can ] are low and the chances that they will talk shit as soon as you leave is much much higher.
Every tech talks shit about shows. Usually during a show. If some member of the show happens to be around the Techs will bite their tongue but chances are most will just find some subversive way to do it with them still there. Nate and I are a fan of during rehearsals sitting in the light booth and making fun of everything through Instant Messenger on our laptops. Another favorite of ours is talking frequently about burning down the Theatre. This is hardly true of all tech, our obsession with bringing an end to the tyranny that ruins our workplace is ever lasting and our attraction to fire is obvious because fire is cool.
When you spend an entire week on a tech rehearsal for a show you learn the cues it's a real bitch when people come running up to you and demand that you ADD cues in the middle of the show. Which sometimes is nigh impossible and just requires some really quick patch work from the Techs. When you say things like "Oh can you just plug this Boom Box into the Sound System, then we can just play it on stage" you have to realize things like that aren't just that simple when the sound system is up in the booth. We can't just run a cord down through the audience and onto the stage just so you can plug a boom box into it and have the boom box on stage while the two dancers you have who are just adding a dance into the middle of the show at the last minute can come out and pretend to know how to break dance. [I'm serious if you had been here for this show you would not have believe how awful this break dancing and crunk was. I think perhaps I would rather have watched Legally Blonde than sit through it again. ] OR you could just give us the CD and we can play the track number needed through the sound system from the booth.
Sometimes we don't have to do things for you. At our theatre Nate and I aren't required to do things if you haven't previously specified to our bosses that you need us to do it. Setting up tables in the lobby so you can sell snacks that your audience will just bring in and eat in the theatre despite all the signs telling them NOT TO isn't our job. Emptying trash cans is 100% not our Job. Putting away your props is not our job and most importantly keeping track of whatever your dancers or actors did with whatever expensive peripheral backstage is not our problem either.
We are not and cannot be held responsible for your possessions. If you have a show and you leave your expensive black berry and iPod in the dressing room out in the open and someone takes it then you can't come crying to us. perhaps you should have locked your shit in your car.
We are vaugle responsible for the splinters that you might get when dancing on the floor but we are in no way responsible for the splinters that you DO get running through the shop barefoot to make it to the other side of the stage because you were too slow with your quick change.
Just to make sure you understand a quick change is supposed to be quick! FAST! YOU ARE QUICKLY CHANGING YOUR DAMN OUTFIT! You are NOT asking the techs to fade in and out 4 minutes of filler muisc between every dance that the audience can listen to while they sit in the dark and wait for you all to be ready to perform your next solidly crappy dance routine.
Liz the Tech is Displeased.
Every tech talks shit about shows. Usually during a show. If some member of the show happens to be around the Techs will bite their tongue but chances are most will just find some subversive way to do it with them still there. Nate and I are a fan of during rehearsals sitting in the light booth and making fun of everything through Instant Messenger on our laptops. Another favorite of ours is talking frequently about burning down the Theatre. This is hardly true of all tech, our obsession with bringing an end to the tyranny that ruins our workplace is ever lasting and our attraction to fire is obvious because fire is cool.
When you spend an entire week on a tech rehearsal for a show you learn the cues it's a real bitch when people come running up to you and demand that you ADD cues in the middle of the show. Which sometimes is nigh impossible and just requires some really quick patch work from the Techs. When you say things like "Oh can you just plug this Boom Box into the Sound System, then we can just play it on stage" you have to realize things like that aren't just that simple when the sound system is up in the booth. We can't just run a cord down through the audience and onto the stage just so you can plug a boom box into it and have the boom box on stage while the two dancers you have who are just adding a dance into the middle of the show at the last minute can come out and pretend to know how to break dance. [I'm serious if you had been here for this show you would not have believe how awful this break dancing and crunk was. I think perhaps I would rather have watched Legally Blonde than sit through it again. ] OR you could just give us the CD and we can play the track number needed through the sound system from the booth.
Sometimes we don't have to do things for you. At our theatre Nate and I aren't required to do things if you haven't previously specified to our bosses that you need us to do it. Setting up tables in the lobby so you can sell snacks that your audience will just bring in and eat in the theatre despite all the signs telling them NOT TO isn't our job. Emptying trash cans is 100% not our Job. Putting away your props is not our job and most importantly keeping track of whatever your dancers or actors did with whatever expensive peripheral backstage is not our problem either.
We are not and cannot be held responsible for your possessions. If you have a show and you leave your expensive black berry and iPod in the dressing room out in the open and someone takes it then you can't come crying to us. perhaps you should have locked your shit in your car.
We are vaugle responsible for the splinters that you might get when dancing on the floor but we are in no way responsible for the splinters that you DO get running through the shop barefoot to make it to the other side of the stage because you were too slow with your quick change.
Just to make sure you understand a quick change is supposed to be quick! FAST! YOU ARE QUICKLY CHANGING YOUR DAMN OUTFIT! You are NOT asking the techs to fade in and out 4 minutes of filler muisc between every dance that the audience can listen to while they sit in the dark and wait for you all to be ready to perform your next solidly crappy dance routine.
Liz the Tech is Displeased.
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Smiling Faces
So I have sat through a lot of dance recitals. Not always because I wanted to be there but I have seen a lot. From my own personal experience the enjoyment i take from the dance directly correlates the emotion showing on the dancer's faces.
If the song is up beat and happy and the dancers are moving a lot I expect to see a smile on thier faces. When I look and I see them looking bored or rolling their eyes back ( obviously thinking too hard about the dance itself) it's not enjoyable for me. Or anyone else in the audience for that matter.
When they say smiling is everything they mean it. If a smile is appropriate for the song then a smile should be plastered on your face even if you screw up, even if you don't want to be there. Even if the girl dancing next to you has something weird happens.
if the song is somber and sad then the face should reflect the emotion that the dance is trying to convey.
Smile people SMILE!
We're watching.
::Liz::
If the song is up beat and happy and the dancers are moving a lot I expect to see a smile on thier faces. When I look and I see them looking bored or rolling their eyes back ( obviously thinking too hard about the dance itself) it's not enjoyable for me. Or anyone else in the audience for that matter.
When they say smiling is everything they mean it. If a smile is appropriate for the song then a smile should be plastered on your face even if you screw up, even if you don't want to be there. Even if the girl dancing next to you has something weird happens.
if the song is somber and sad then the face should reflect the emotion that the dance is trying to convey.
Smile people SMILE!
We're watching.
::Liz::
Symmetry
So, you know what I hate? Asymmetry when it could be symmetrical. I hate when I go to Fells Point, cause cobblestones annoy the shit out of me!! Like really, you couldn't just take a few extra moments to line the them the fuck up? I'm sure Fells Point is a lovely place, but those freaking cobblestones!!! I was working a dance concert, and all I could think was, "OH MY GOD! If you're gonna have different colored jeans on you dancers, at least even it out so it looks like a pattern of some sort. Don't have two in dark blue, five in light blue, and one in a middle color of some sort, and even if those are the only colors you can get, freaking making them into some kind of pattern! Hold on one sec...*talks to Liz*...well I know cobblestones are supposed crooked, doesn't mean they don't annoy the crap out of me!! ARGH!!!
About a month ago, Liz and I got roped in working a dance concert for a group called "Dance Express" who, not only didn't have their dancing together, they were asymmetric all over the fucking place. For the record, this is how symmetry works in a dance concert. You have three dancers, it two on each side and one in the middle. Four dancers, two on each side. Five dancers: two on each side and one in the middle. You can't have one on Stage Left, three on Downstage Right and one randomly placed somewhere. Get it right people!
:::Nate:::
About a month ago, Liz and I got roped in working a dance concert for a group called "Dance Express" who, not only didn't have their dancing together, they were asymmetric all over the fucking place. For the record, this is how symmetry works in a dance concert. You have three dancers, it two on each side and one in the middle. Four dancers, two on each side. Five dancers: two on each side and one in the middle. You can't have one on Stage Left, three on Downstage Right and one randomly placed somewhere. Get it right people!
:::Nate:::
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